Do you know the feeling of finding a unique and obscure website and the satisfaction in having done so? I would like to someday give someone this feeling with this site. I also wish to pour my heart out to no one in particular. Except you of course. Because if you're reading this, it means it must be to someone. I will commence to below.
11/29/2019
Thanksgiving was nice yesterday. I tried stuffing, cranberry sauce and mashed potatoes for the first time today. I liked the first two, but not the third. The texture of the third just wasn't right for me. I used to be a very picky eater, I only stopped being so recently, really, and this is my first thanksgiving not being one. Usually I go out to see my relatives but I've already gone to two weddings up their way this year and a third trip was not in our budget. This is unfortunate, but it's alright.
I usually wouldn't open up about my mental illness so quickly to anyone, but since you are no one, at least in particular, and I would like to keep track of it some way, I figure this might just be it. Today I do not feel particularly suicidal, but I am quite lonely. I never check my social media stories but today I decided to, and many were posting how thankful they were for their friends. This upset me, because I don't have many myself, and to see others publically displaying their affection for theirs can be quite hurtful. Recently I deleted one of my social media counts for this very reason. They can be quite hurtful, and if not hurtful, a simple waste of time. Anybody who really cares about me may text my line.
Oh, and an update. It seems currently that a friend very dear to me, let's call her One, is very upset. She says she's had a "really bad and upsetting" night which she's still not over. Me and One haven't been friends very long, and haven't talked much at all until very recently, but I do love her very much. I've yet to gotten a glimpse of her upset and it seems that she handles things by curling inwards. I can relate to this reaction, but there's no need for it when you have a friend to help you. I've let her know this, but she prefers not to talk about it, or talk at all, at least for the moment. It seems you've stumbled right in to a moment representing just about the uppermost action present in my life.
Good day for now, and I do hope your day goes well. Thank you for listening.
11/30/2019
One hasn't gotten back to me. I am quite worried.
12/1/2019
Hello! I'm sorry for my brief entry yesterday. I was quite stressed and not in a state in which I felt at all like writing. Most of that stress was from circumstances surrounding One, but it turns out she's quite alright, although she won't tell me what's happening. I think that's quite inconsiderate taking into account the feelings she caused me. I had a bit of a meltdown over this, but it's alright now. That doesn't mean I'm any less tired of getting shut out, however.
In more pleasing news, I saw Frozen 2 today. I thought it was quite good, even though some of the plot points justifying the sequel in the first place seem to have been pulled out of nowhere. I don't like to talk about movies so much though. I don't like how speak of cultural happenings has replaced that of genuine things surrounding you. What can you do though?
I feel a little shaken by my friend, but what can you do but move on. I'm feeling a bit suicidal, but not that much. Life is just very hard. That's whether the hardship is something actually difficult, or just leaving the house. But saying that, I guess leaving the house can be "actually difficult", and it really seems to be for me. What I'm saying is, it's all relative.
Me and my friend are making a song together. He's on the production and I'm on the vocals. It's fun, but difficult, because I'm not quite sure what to say. I'll figure it out though, I think.
I'm noticing while writing this how little confidence I have in speaking. I surround alot of my feelings with "I think"s, or "a bit"s. I don't know whether that's an issue or a quirk.
Normally, while talking at least, I'd just continue putting out whatever comes to mind, whether some deep fear of a comment about food. I don't think you'd like very much to be bored with my babbling, though. So goodbye for now. I hope your day goes well. Thank you for listening.
12/4/2019
Greetings. I apologize for the lack of entries. I get quite busy. Today I am doing alright, though I skipped school. I was feeling quite tired, and generally not up to it. I'm just hoping none of that "truancy" stuff ends up actually coming down the pipe. However, I read that disabilities get you a pass out of these punishments, but I'm not sure. I guess I'll see.
Yesterday evening I went to my psychiatrist, and she claims I've been doing therapy all wrong. I've been waiting for the therapist to just give me solutions, and being irritated when I get none, however, this is not, apparently, how I'm supposed to be doing it. Reportedly, I'm supposed to tell my therapist everything (like "dumping out a trash can", she says), and then we can sort through and figure out what's wrong. Firstly, I'm not sure if I can just tell anyone everything, secondly, I'm very angry with myself for wasting around two years of time and money just not doing it right. No wonder therapy is supposed to be hard work. To dump everything, howver, I'll probably have to keep track of it. Good thing I have this.
Yesterday at climbing team practice we did a mock competition, in which I couldn't complete any of the climbs. This was discouraging, but apparently that was true for most though, so it's alright.
Here's an icky detail. one of my guitar/ukulele calluses was about ready to fall off, so I picked it off, and not being one to leave my fingers uneven, I used a nail clipper to pick the calluses off my other fingers. Big mistake. I'll have to spend a week or two getting them back.
I'm getting a little obsessed with ocarinas. They're such a nice instrument, and so portable. I think I'll get one of my own soon. Six or twelve hole is the question. Maybe both.